Play: New Gods

New Gods

(Lights come up on an old fashioned sit-com.)

Boppy: Hey, whatchya got there, Cap?

Cap: You’re just in time, Boppy. This new scientific whooly-jig just came in today and I need someone to guard it.

Boppy: Well you came to the right place. Or I guess I came to you. Anyway, I’m your man, Cap!

Cap: Now, Boppy, this is a very expensive piece of equipment, I don’t want you touching it, you here?

Boppy: Oh, of course Cap! Never in my life.

Cap: (drawn out) Boppy!

Boppy: Now don’t you worry Cap! I’m putting my life on the line on this one, just you see.

Cap: Well, okay. In that case I’m going to russle me up a good dozen of Aunt Jenny’s homemade hamburgers! MMM MMM! Gotta love ‘em!

(Cap exits. Boppy stands guard, very attentively.)

Boppy: Well, this isn’t so bad! I don’t know what the Cap was all worried about. Although, someone might try to steal whatever this whooly-jig is. Like spys! Maybe I should try out what this baby can do just so I know what I’m getting into.

(“Whoolly-jig” explodes. Boppy lies motionless on the ground. Cap enters and drops burgers.)

Cap: What was that noise? It sounds like a dozen wild buffaloes ran through here. (sees wreckage) Boppy! I told you not to touch that Whoolly-jig! Do you know how expensive that thing is? Get up you clutz! How am I going to explain this to Mr. Boswick? Boppy, get up! I…Boppy? Boppy? (checks on him) We need some help over here. Hey, hey! We need some help! Goddamn it, where is everyone? Help! There’s been an accident! Boppy! Boppy! Oh, Go-

(Lights out. Lights on a television evangelist. There is absolute conviction in his words.)

Evangelist: You know, I get a lot of people coming to me. People who are hurt. People who are torn down. People who are weary. People who feel like they’ve lost their calling. Now, what can I say about these people? What can I say for these people? Maybe if you feel you’ve lost your way, that’s really God’s way of saying you never had purpose in the first place. Maybe your real purpose is to clear off a table, and snort a whole lot of

(Lights fade to a dim on the evangelist as lights come up in a newsroom on Anchor.)

Evangelist and Anchor: Cocaine

Anchor: is the eledged killer of Boppy, the 2-year old from Southwest Coast Channel. He will be lived by his life-long friend, Cap. We will have more on this situation as events come to us. Now onto lighter, news, the international dog show had an exuberant amount of pride today. Puppy Pride, that is, as Power Puppy made his way to the stage to greet the billions of loving dog enthusiasts.

(Lights up on Cap.)

Cap: I don’t know how to live without you.

(Lights out on Cap.)

Evangelist: Because, sometimes, when you’re telling yourself that life’s too hard, you’re probably right.

Anchorman: It is now learned that Boppy was having marital problems. His wife, who was scheduled to appear in Season 4—

(Lights do not come up on Cap nor do they ever again.)

Cap: Boppy!

Evangelist: Do you expect hope in a time like this? Where would you possibly find it? You’ve come to the wrong place this time.

Anchorman: All we are is to feed what is inside of you.

Cap: Don’t leave me!

Evangelist: So you can feed us.

Anchorman: You can love us.

Evangelist: So we can stay.

Anchorman: While others leave.

Cap: Boppy!
Anchorman: Keep watching.